This guest blog was originally published in the Spring/Summer 2025 edition of Aluminate magazine by CACHE Alumni.

• “We can’t support the child because the parents won’t engage with us.”
• “We can’t send off for a referral because the parents won’t give us permission.”
• “We can’t do anything to help the child because the parent is in denial.”

There’s so much to unpick in these statements. Every early years educator I’ve had the pleasure of supporting wants to do their very best for the children and families they work with.

We all understand the importance of early support for children. The sooner we identify differences in development, the greater the impact on positive future outcomes. So, it makes absolute sense that working collaboratively with parents, seeking outside professional support, and gaining permission to start a referral process or early help assessment, is the best course of action. When this doesn’t happen, it can leave us confused, frustrated, or worried for the child.

These are all valid feelings, and I’ve yet to meet an early years educator who doesn’t want to support a child to the best of their ability. But when it feels like the parent is preventing the child’s support journey, what do we do next?

We are not in denial

Parenting is tough at the best of times – it’s the hardest but most rewarding job in the world, they say. That’s the party line, isn’t it? But what they don’t tell you is that if you’re raising a child with a different neurotype, it can be really hard work.

I knew my eldest son was autistic long before it was confirmed by CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services). Yet the day of his diagnosis was still the hardest and scariest day of my life.

As he became mobile, communicated his needs, and showed play preferences, I noticed differences – ones that didn’t align with my child development lectures during my NNEB course (National Nursery Examination Board) or what I saw in my friends’ children.

I was joining the dots as his struggles with change, responses to sensory stimulus, communication differences, and special interests all pointed towards a different neurotype – flashing neon lights with bells on!

Telling the world

Did I feel safe to share my observations? Not a chance. What I felt was:

• pain
• grief
• fear
• anxiety
• judgement.

All true and valid feelings for a SEND (special educational needs and disability) parent like me and so many others I’ve met. We’re not in denial – we are scared. Afraid of how the world will see us, knowing support is scarce and acceptance even scarcer. So, while it may be frustrating for educators to feel they can’t do more, remember that the parent is on their own journey of understanding and acceptance. What they need from you is guidance, empathy, and time.

Also consider that cultural differences, a neurodivergent parent, English as an additional language, or poor past experiences with education or support services may create real barriers to engagement.

Supporting the parent

First, reflect on the SEND narrative in your setting. When discussing SEND, do you focus on red flags, developmental concerns or delays in reaching milestones? If so, consider shifting to a neurodiversity-affirming, strength-based perspective. Frame differences as just that –differences – not ‘problems’ or ‘concerns’.

This shift in language and tone sends a powerful message from the offset – difference is okay. It shows parents that you support their child’s unique development without judgement or criticism. Make this part of your setting’s values – promoting inclusivity and celebrating difference. You’ll be amazed at how much more willing parents are to share their observations at home when they feel safe and accepted.

Safe spaces for parents

“Not only do we need to create safe spaces for our neurodivergent children, but we also have to provide those same, safe and supportive spaces for their parents and carers. To enable children to experience success, we need to ensure the whole family thrives as a unit” (Warren 2025)

Give parents time, a safe space to talk, and a safe person to talk to. Relationships and connection are fundamentals to the support you offer. A parent may not be ready to open up immediately, but by providing time and building trust, you create a bridge for future collaboration.

Supporting the child

Regardless of referrals or assessments, it’s still our role and duty to support the child in front of us. No matter where their parent is on their journey, we can still:

• complete a sensory profile to identify any necessary adaptations
• provide a flexible routine that meets the child’s unique needs
• ensure our environment is free of sensory overwhelm
• adjust our routine to meet their needs
• provide activity adaptions that promote inclusion and success
• continue to observe their play and engagement to support connection-building
• monitor behavioural responses and adapt accordingly
• develop our understanding of proprioception and vestibular sensory systems
• understand what the child needs for regulation
• accept the child for exactly who they are and where they are.

You can read the latest edition of Aluminate magazine here or discover more on the CACHE Alumni website.